Healing & Understanding Codependency

Tamara Low

Energetic Freedom Coach, Author

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The word Codependency has various applications, descriptions and meanings. Jason Breyer describes Codependency as “a psychological and behavioural condition based on faulty programming and emotional wounds, which affects someone’s capacity to have healthy, mutually satisfying relationships.” See “What is Codependency?” for more info. In this article, I am focused on Healing and Understanding Codependency.

The Energy Behind the Word Codependency

When I tune in to the energy behind the word Codependency, it feels (to me) dense, dark, needy, weak, taken advantage of, flawed, broken, low-vibration, lonely, and filled with fear. In addition, I feel shame and embarrassment. I wonder if you feel something similar?

This is one of the reasons why Ross Rosenburg, the author of “The Human Magnet Syndrome,” has renamed “Codependency” in his work to “Self-Love Deficit Disorder?” I feel this term does not have the same dense energy and the negative stigma attached. I sense the room or space for self-compassion, warmth, kindness, and growing, learning and healing instead of self-contempt, embarrassment and shame. Self-Love Deficit Disorder calls it what it is at its core. There are many reasons for the onset of Self-Love Deficiency/Codependency.

We were not born this way; it was created. Regardless of what we call it, there are many layers and depths that need to be addressed along the healing, wholeness and self-awareness journey!

Early Programming/Wounded Inner Child

Christiane Northrup writes:

“As Empaths, we learned early on that we couldn’t be our true selves (and that we needed others to validate us and make us feel whole and seen) and throughout our lives- because we didn’t understand our empathic nature- we became lint rollers for the unfelt pain of others. We took on stuff that wasn’t our responsibility. And we did everything in our power to uplift others and make them feel better so that we could finally feel better too.”

Christiane Northrup, Dodging Energy Vampires

We adapt to the best of our ability to our early environment(s). As we get older, we might notice these early adaptions are no longer serving us. Children with different temperaments adapt in different ways. Northrup continues by saying, we are trying desperately to “fit in”, to find any bits of conditional love, and to the best of our ability to avoid the “three archetypal wounds: shame, abandonment, and betrayal.” Our inner child is grief-stricken, confused, angry, lonely, sad, scared, feeling unlovable, etc. and as a result, our “outer experience in the world is going to re-create our wounds”, resulting in more pain.

Energy Vampires

This makes us vulnerable to Narcissists, or what she calls “Energy Vampires.” Lisa Romano echoes something very similar, “our troubled relationships are mirrors of what is happening inside of us. Until we awaken to our denial of self, we stay on paths of destruction with others who are also on paths of destruction.” In this way, it helps us to understand how denying our true emotions has allowed others to violate our boundaries for personal gain.

Repetition Compulsion

Pete Walker, in his book, “Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving”, gives this phenomenon a name; he calls it “repetition compulsion” or “re-enactment.” It is where “we remain symbolically enthralled to the family by getting ensnared with narcissistic people who were just as abusive and neglectful as their parents.”

This explains why we have been unconsciously drawn to certain people (that recreate our early wounds). Once we become aware of this “repetition compulsion” or “re-enactment”, we realize that it is not our fault and there is nothing wrong with us. It is unconscious, an adaption that deeply needs tending to and healing.

The Results of Codependency

Denying the truth of who we are to feel loved and safe has very steep consequences and can manifest as anxiety, depression, frustration, self-hate, self-harm, hypersensitivity, addictions, etc. If this is not healed, Christiane Northrup says, “that the little wounded child will run your endocrine, immune, and central nervous systems until you take the time to meet her needs and stop neglecting her.”

We need to take some of the concern, empathy, love, compassion, kindness, understanding, and forgiving energy (innate in all Empaths) that we readily give to others and offer to our divine inner child. Self-Compassion is the key to healing. Stacy Hoch says, “if you have deep compassion for others and you do not have compassion for yourself, you do not have compassion! It is a two-way street!” She is absolutely right!

What will happen when you begin to heal? 

As Empaths, we are so terrified to ever trigger anger or disapproval in others as we can feel their experience within our bodies. So we often choose to “keep other people’s egos at bay”, says Matt Khan. In doing this, we are stuck in the energetic muck. As we become more self-aware and healthy, we notice that we no longer rely on others for validation, approval, permission, etc.

Some people are not going to like that they can no longer control you or impact you in this way. Lisa Romano says, “a quantum entanglement must happen (with this person), which is very uncomfortable.” Until this point, we have made others’ opinions of us, their ideas, love, affection, acceptance, etc., such a huge part of our lives and identity. As scary, difficult, and painful as it may be, we must learn to release and let go of these energies and patterns that do not serve us. Matt Khan writes:

“Disrespectful behaviour (from others) is how souls request greater physical distance in order to spend more time getting to know themselves beyond the confines of ego. If someone is meant to interact in a way that is mutually beneficial for the evolution of both souls, their conduct will be open, honest, and respectful. If they are unable to communicate in a respectful manner, their soul is asking for physical space, even if their ego can’t stand the thought of being apart.”

Matt Khan, Everything Is Here to Help You

Healing Embodiment and Integration

According to Fred Gallo, a psychological problem, such as trauma, results in an imbalance or disruption in our body’s energy system. This disruption may show up in various systems in your body, including the nervous system, glandular system, meridian system, and chakra system. Further, he says, Energy Psychology techniques (such as EFT) can shift these energies and return your body’s energy system to balance, influencing your health, emotions and state of mind, eliminating the problem.

Healing Codependency is a complex process. Our early attachment trauma needs to be addressed, and our inner child needs to be recognized, seen, acknowledged, heard and embraced. I encourage you to seek out the assistance of those specifically trained in assisting with this.

Healing our Unconscious Programming

Our unconscious programming needs to be addressed. This includes being aware of our thoughts, beliefs and feelings about ourselves that stem from our early experiences and all that we unconsciously absorbed. Our body and behaviour also give us clues about what is going on deep within us. We feel the deep shame due to this early inner wounding needs to be addressed.

Healing With Emotional Freedom Techniques

Our beliefs, thoughts, feelings, emotions, and body sensations are the level that I feel that EFT is a masterful accompaniment to the healing process. As Codependents, we accepted someone else’s version of who they thought we should be to please them, which has come at a cost. This is an example of something that an EFT or “Tapping” session could be done on; a step towards letting go of old programming and reconnecting with and embracing who we truly are at our core.

Stacy Hoch says that once we have healed these inner wounds and are resonating in this place, we are too “Self -FULL” to continue taking on other people’s crap, which doesn’t make you not compassionate. It makes you sane. To which I agree! Please feel welcome to reach out and schedule a free 15-minute call or email tamara@sensitivesoulpath.com

Warmly,

Tamara

If you are interested in a list of “Codependent Thoughts and Beliefs to Tap On” (please click on the link).

Disclaimer

*Energy Therapies, such as EFT and Pranic Healing, are not substitutes for professional medical, psychological or psychiatric care. 

References:

  • Breyer, Jason. Empath – A Highly Sensitive Person – Develop your gift, use emotional intelligence to turn your high sensitivity into a superpower: Overcome negative mindsets and master your social skills. Kindle Edition. 
  • Forward, Susan. Mothers Who Can’t Love (pp. 19-20). Harper. Kindle Edition
  • Hoch, Stacy. The Empoweress- YouTube. 
  • Khan, Matt. Everything Is Here to Help You (p. 18-22, 64-65). Hay House. Kindle Edition. 
  • Northrup, Christiane. Dodging Energy Vampires (p. 123- 28). Hay House. Kindle Edition. 
  • Romano, Lisa. The Breakthrough Life Coach. YouTube. 
  • Rosenberg, M.Ed., LCPC, CADC, CSAT, Ross. The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap. Morgan James Publishing. Kindle Edition. 
  • Walker, Pete. Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A GUIDE AND MAP FOR RECOVERING FROM CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (pp. 16-17). Azure Coyote Publishing. Kindle Edition. 

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Soulful Purpose in Business

Wouldn’t it be incredible if we were all encouraged to find our soulful purpose from a young age?

Imagine how your life and work would be different as a free-spirited HSP/Empath. It’s never too late to reclaim those buried or dormant parts. You CAN live and work with more meaning, authenticity, and enjoyment. It’s a matter of clearing the blocks that are getting in your way. Using EFT, I can help you with that.

The challenge for free-spirited, creative HSP/Empaths:

I have always felt the profound significance of living authentically with soul purpose. To live free of conditioned paradigms (that do not work for us). And to experience creativity, joy, and wonder.

Still, like most of us, I was trained to follow, ‘fit in,’ and got swept up in conditioned paradigms and expectations. 

When we are young, we learn by observing and adapting to our worldly surroundings. We are often told or shown by our parent(s), caregivers, and society at large who THEY THINK we are and should be. It’s about WHO they want us to be, WHAT they want us to do, say, or behave like, and what they think we should DO. This can create an immense amount of confusion.

Unconsciously, we can become controlled and led by beliefs that were learned and taught. Often, they do not even have origins in who we are and how we desire to live. It is so incredibly easy to become lost and deviated.

The trouble is, we are beautiful spirits designed to create, express, learn, grow, share, and explore. To live a life that is from us. Meant for us. And to BE FREE of conditioning. Free from the layers of pain, hurt, trauma, shoulds, and have to’s that direct us away from our true nature, uniqueness, and soulful purpose.

It’s painful to be a free-spirited, creative HSP/Empath trying to navigate and fit in where we do not belong. This can result in depression, anxiety, deep discontentment, and frustration, etc. 

The good news is that there are things we can do to retrieve and reclaim those buried or dormant parts of us. The parts and expectations that are not a fit for us. And to heal the parts of us that do not believe it’s possible to be ourselves. So we can do what we love OR take the risk to do something else that is more in line with us!

How do we make the needed changes to align with our purpose/soulful path?

I have had many unfulfilling jobs in my life and a two-decade business that was not soulfully fulfilling for me. I felt deeply bored, stuck, and trapped. My discontentment kept getting louder, and my spirit would no longer let me look away. Making a leap into the unknown felt terrifying. I did not know what my financial future was going to hold. But I knew that I HAD to do whatever it took to find where my soul was longing to be.

I did A LOT of EFT sessions on all the fear, paralysis, terror, guilt, etc. lying under making the change. It took a deep desire, diligence, openness (and a bit of courage) to remove the fears and conditioning so I could realign with my path. But it is so worth it!

And in the end, it ALL turned out even better than I could have imagined!

You know the expression ‘the universe has your back’? Well, once I cleared all the energetic blocks and fears, things started falling into place. I felt utterly ‘taken care of’ in the broader sense. And I believe everyone can access it if that is in their heart and soul’s desires!

The power of alignment:

I was listening to an interview with EFT Master Carol Look, and she sums this up extremely well by saying, “…appreciation is the energy of alignment. Manifestations follow emotions, and when you are in the emotion of appreciation, that is when things start to shift on that vibrational (or energy) level.”

When we are in the alignment or frequency of flow, life can bring us all kinds of miraculous things with ease. Ideas, solutions, inspirations, seeing things differently, opportunities.

Look goes on to say that, “when we are in alignment, we are open to all possibilities and can appreciate them when they arise.” 

Yes!! I have seen this over and over in my own life! So, to get into alignment, we need to remove the incongruencies (aka negative limiting beliefs, fears, etc.). Then life energy is free to flow in us, and we can create joy and beauty through our alignment! 

How EFT Helps us to Get Into Alignment With Our Uniqueness and Soulful Purpose:  

Shoulds, have to’s, guilt, shame, fear, mistrust, etc., are NOT in the energy of alignment. What is? Authenticity, passion, purpose, curiosity, meaning, trust, faith, expressing our uniqueness and true selves.

Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) helps us learn about, observe, hear, and accept how we FEEL. With honesty and compassion, we can honour what’s happening (unconsciously) in our inner worlds! It helps us to gain clarity, insight, and inner knowing. When we are open, we can better understand ourselves and the parts and places that need care and healing.

It has helped me gain insight and understanding in a profound way. I have developed compassion for myself. Freed myself from layers upon layers of conditioned thoughts and beliefs. Released deep emotional pains and burdens. BE me. Live and create a life in line with me.

EFT also helps us to regulate our nervous system so that we experience more balanced calm. Then, with openness and curiosity, we can hear our inner knowing, wisdom, and what our spirits reveal to us!

We Are Not Meant to Fit Into or Conform to Societal Norms and Structures!

We are here to find, reveal, and cultivate the path that is unique to only us!

I am in awe of how beautifully unique everyone is. Unique gifts, talents, abilities, goals, passions, desires, energetic vibration, and soulful purpose(s). Each of us is an essential piece of the bigger puzzle of existence here on Earth.

From my perspective, free Spirited HSPs and Empaths are here to assist in breaking free of old, toxic, harmful, and worn-out institutions and paradigms. We can see/feel/know things that are not aligned with truth and love. So we have essential elements to offer and contribute to healing in the world/planet.

The world needs the energy, skills, compassion, love, care, heart, creativity, kindness, peace, wisdom, etc. of HSP/Empaths…

Getting Support to re-emerge with Soulful Purpose in your Business (as an HSP/Empath):

I am here to support you in celebrating your uniqueness. To help you re-emerge as who you were (before being caught up in cultural and societal conditioned and false beliefs about yourself). If you don’t feel like you fit or belong – you are not meant to!

Book a 15 min discovery link call and we can begin to honour and discover your unique soul’s path!! What you dream of, lights you up, gives you goosebumps, and fills you with joy, freedom, and aliveness!! 

What if you could authentically do what you love AND experience the universe’s support via financial security?

Would you be doing something different in your business right now? Elsewhere?

Let’s explore and see!

Tamara

 

Welcome to Sensitive Soul Path

I am passionate about Highly Sensitive People (HSP) and Empaths living beautifully authentic and inspired lives!

 

 I delight in assisting people to gently uncover the parts and places (in us) that are longing and need to be heard. Our feelings and body sensations hold MUCH wisdom! Often, we try to push away feelings we have labelled as uncomfortable, scary, wrong, or shameful. In locking them in, we cannot hear and understand their deeper meaning, what they are really trying to communicate to us. It also affects our energy and interest levels, and health. 

 

When we gently give voice to locked-in emotions and sensations, we can discover the gifts and wisdom they offer and become energetically free to BE ourselves completely! 

 

  1. Where is your inner voice and soul’s purpose guiding and directing you (to which people, situations, service, passions, gifts, etc.)?

          2. What is wanting to be heard, said, released or done?

 I love to work with HSPs and Empaths that love to do safe, deep inner exploring work to release the layers that do not serve them and their purpose, such as

 

  • clearing and unravelling the energetic blocks along their soul path. These could be unconscious beliefs we took in as a child. 
  • to break free from harmful conditioning in all its forms that do not fit our soul’s purpose and embrace all of themselves and a life fulfilling and authentic to them! 
  • energetically removing yourself from being bogged down by other people’s negative energy or expectations, e.g. do you stay in a situation because of guilt and shame? 
  • clearing the energetic residue of what is keeping you stuck and paralyzed in places and situations that do not resonate in harmony with your souls. 
  • external drains and pressures that do not come from our true desires 
  • clearing the blocks and barriers to accepting and caring for ourselves at the deepest levels.
  • balance our sensitive nervous systems

 If you answered ‘Yes!’ to any of the following questions, Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT or ‘Tapping’) and/or Pranic Healing could assist you. Please ask me how! 

 

Do you?

  • want and need to make a significant change, but fear, guilt or shame is leaving you paralyzed, preventing you from taking that leap?
  • feel bogged down by other people’s expectations, societal pressures, and early conditioning? 
  • are you aware of how many expectations you have of yourself that don’t actually belong to you?
  •  feel like you do not fit into society and the existing paradigms and institutions?
  • is the pace of society too busy and rushed for you and your nervous system?
  • struggle with SHOULDS? And as a result, feel like you are not living a life in alignment with your TRUE self?

 Does any of this leave you feeling frustrated, bored, disillusioned, anxious, angry, depressed, unfulfilled, stuck, etc.? 

 

While avoiding external pressures can feel challenging on many levels, ultimately, this is what I believe:

 

 We (HSP Empaths) are not meant to try and “fit in”; we are meant to SEE and FEEL and BE in the world from OUR unique perspective and soul’s purpose!! 

Emotional Freedom Techniques are especially helpful in supporting HSP Empath healing and empowerment:

Emotional Freedom Techniques (also called EFT, or “Tapping”) is a masterful way to gain clarity and insight. EFT helps remove the energetic and emotional blocks, fears, beliefs, and emotions (such as shame) from the body.

Struggle and/or emotional pain is a block or disruption in our body’s energy system. Our body gives us clues through feelings and sensations about what is happening within us (e.g. a sore stomach, tight chest). Similarly, it tells us how we feel around others and in certain environments. 

In other words, our body tells us when something is not in alignment. With that awareness, we have the power to shift it.

Benefit of an EFT practitioner and Energetic Freedom Coach for HSP/ Empaths:

My goal is to provide a SAFE, compassionate, secure, and non-judgemental space for you to peel back the layers to release what no longer serves you (aka all those SHOULDs).

SHOULDs, HAVE TOs, and other people’s expectations don’t have to hold you back from your passions and stop you from embracing your brilliant, sensitive, and empathic nature.

You CAN live a life in a way that feels TRUE to you….

If you are curious about how EFT can help you care for your HSP Empath nature, I’d love to have a no-pressure chat.

Reach out and schedule your free 15-minute call today or email tamara@sensitivesoulpath.com

Warmly, Tamara